Thursday, January 23, 2014

Can I Hit It In The Morning?! Pt. VI: Year Of The Side Chick

CAN I HIT IT IN THE MORNING?! PT. VI:YEAR OF “THE SIDE CHICK”

Column Synopsis: A random and unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today – as seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L.   A column not to be duplicated… but to be emulated.  Because after all, groundbreaking material does not come around every day.  A comprehensive “no holds barred” opinion on current social events of utmost importance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints, tips and breakthrough ideas into either getting through life – and/or surviving it!  In conclusion – a breakthrough column to for the ages… none before me.  None after my departure.  ‘Nuff said.

INTRO:
"HEY BI**H.  I'M LEAVING YOU AND THESE DAMN UNGRATEFUL KIDS!  YOU CAN HAVE THE HOUSE.  THE CAR.  F**K IT... YOU CAN EVEN KEEP EVERYTHING IN THE BANK ACCOUNT.  I'M OUTTA HERE!"
* Words taken from your everyday neighborhood "Joe" who just couldn't take it anymore in his main relationship.  He reached the edge.  His boiling point.  Just couldn't take life any longer with his significant other OR their children.  Or is it simply an exercise in futility based on his never ending quest to be with his "forbidden fruit"... his "sunshine" (see the movie, Harlem Nights starring Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor) for further clarification.  The "side chick" has been around for centuries.  Quite possibly since the dawn of time... and beyond.  So what exactly is a "side chick" anyway?

Definition of a "side chick": The other woman; also known as the "mistress"; a female that is neither a man's wife or girlfriend, but nonetheless has relations with that man while he is in another relationship.  She is a "side dish" (comparable to Nachos chips!)

Listen up ladies; if you start a relationship being the other woman, you will NEVER be the only woman.  Y’all do know the operative word here – right?  NEVER!  And fellas - there are many red flags you can look for if you are starting to worry that your "sidepiece" is trying to be more.  Examples include, but are not limited to:  1. sober daytime hangouts that are justifiably reserved for primary relationships,  and NOT booty calls,  2. Hanging out in the midst of your inner circle of friends, family and social acquaintances without prior permission, and 3. After spending the night together, this person starts to linger around for a little too long. They try to get you to take them out to breakfast, lunch, anything that should only be done with a real partner.  They simply can’t let go.  Sound familiar?  Similar to trying to turn a “ho” into a housewife, you can’t turn a side chick into “wifey material” (would you really want to?)  Although a true side chick remains in a position of power, more often than not, feelings are generated.  Thus, the cruel fate of what can be considered “hypocritical justice at its very best.”

"Roses are red, violets are blue, if homeboy says he has plans, then chances are the side chick is YOU!"
David L. Copyright 2014.

The worst thing is when sidepieces do not realize they are sidepieces. Real women get a call before bed; side chicks get a text (if that).  Girlfriends get the “Hey babe, what’s up?” whereas the girl on the side gets a “Yo' ma' where you at?”  You know YOU are the side chick when you don’t get a good morning or goodnight text, and instead, the only thing you’re getting is a “sorry I fell asleep last night.”  A guy isn’t cheating with you because you are so good at being the other girl; he’s cheating with you because you aren’t good enough to be the REAL girl. Sidepieces have an expiration date similar to a half gallon of 2% low fat milk and by trying to push a future with him, you are just prolonging the inevitable.  Always remember - everyone is replaceable.  EVERYONE!  Don’t be a side chick catching main b***h emotions. Accept the role you have in your “man’s” life and take it for what it’s worth. Once you realize this, you can benefit as much as he does from this social arrangement often cloaked in degradation and ridicule.  You do not get to experience holidays with this person, NO Christmas celebrations, NO Thanksgiving with the family and especially NO Valentine’s Day.  Remember to NEVER show up unannounced at his place of domicile, and NEVER drop the "L" word!  That is a total ethical violation of biblical magnitude.  Some women are innately twisted and get some sick sense of pleasure out of hooking up with another girl’s man. They enjoy living "the dangerous life".  Girls (notice I did not label them as women) with low self-esteem are usually the type to engage in this sort of behavior because it gives them a confidence boost since someone else’s man is chasing after them.  Many women put up with this type of relationship for many reasons and as time goes on, we see this more and more in today's society.  People’s busy schedules do not allow for the complete investment that a relationship demands. By engaging in this type of arrangement, sex and intimacy are at your convenience. You get to reap all the benefits of an actual relationship, but without all of the drama and bullsh*t.  Too many women complain about being the side chick, but if you are really that bothered by it, why are you putting up with it?  If you accept less than you want, you are only setting yourself up for major disappointment.  Most allow men to play this game because they think it will get them a permanent spot in their lives, but this could not be further from the truth.  Men realize what you are willing to put up with and use it to the best of their advantage. You know the old saying - right? "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"  Real talk. 

“The O.T.H.E.R. woman: an Overplayed Toy He Eventually Releases”

Additionally, we are living in an era in which being "pimps" and "ho's" are considered commercially appealing.  Watching reality shows (and for the record, I sure as hell don't) like Real Housewives Of Atlanta proves my correlation with mindless broads fighting over men that blatantly do not want them... and worse - they are considered mere objects to be disposed of at any given opportunity.  Men don't want something that he can have at his beck and call.  Make him earn the "ill na na" ladies!

10 Signs That YOU May Be The "Side Chick":

1) His phone NEVER rings
If you are with someone throughout the day and you have never seen them reach for their phone, YOU are probably the side chick. Who carries a phone and doesn’t receive at least one phone call or text message throughout the day. It could be on silent (no sound or vibration) or it’s completely off, either way he’s not talking on the phone around you.  Hmmm... what could he be hiding?
2) His phone is usually uncharged, about to die or out of service
If 90% of the time you call him and it goes straight to voice mail, YOU may very well be the side chick. This correlates to his phone never ringing. He could be with someone else at the time and can’t pick up the phone to talk to you, so he turns it off.  No one carries around a dead phone ALL of the time!
3) He often repeats the same story over... and over... and over again
If he repeatedly tells you what he is doing this upcoming weekend or what he did this past weekend, you are possibly one of his many side chicks. The reason a guy repeats himself is because he can’t remember who he told what to.  The smart guy would repeat himself because asking if he told you something is admitting that he can’t keep track of his women.
4) His compliments are focused around physical appearance
If the only nice things he has to say about you is centered around the way you look or your sexual performance, you’re the sexy side chick. This guy is obviously only into you for your body.  Most people think that guys are one track minded, so compliments only surrounding sex make sense. But the truth is that we actually think about other stuff too.  So if you say something somewhat intelligent and his reply is, “Your lips are so cute” chances are YOU are not the chick that he listens to.
5) Dates are never last minute
If ALL your dates are planned at least a week in advance; he may have other chicks on his schedule.  He probably sets aside a day just for his side chicks. If you’re not already in the books for that day on the current week, he makes you wait until the following week, before he’s “free” again.
6) Dates are closer to your home/work than his
If you’ve never been out to a place that’s in the vicinity of his job or home, YOU may very well be the side chick. He never takes you to those places because he doesn’t want to risk the chance of running into something that may know about his other chick(s).  Next time you go out with him, suggest a place near his home and see he what he says.
7) He’s never disappointed, angry or upset when you cancel on him
If he could care less whether he sees you or not, YOU are probably the side chick. Things come up all the time and you may have to cancel a date with him. If he is too cool about not seeing you, and doesn’t put up a fuss, he definitely has someone else to occupy his time.
8) You never catch him looking at other women
If you’re with a guy and he NEVER looks at attractive women when they pass by, he probably can’t be trusted.  He’s either on the "DL" or well-trained as a player. Whatever the case is, it’s not good for you.
9) He disabled his wall on his Facebook profile
If a guy doesn’t want people leaving messages on his Facebook wall, chances are that he’s hiding something, or someone. That someone could be YOU!
10) He keeps his home extra clean
If a man's apartment is always clean, it could mean one of two things: 1) his girlfriend cleans it for him or 2) he’s used to entertaining a lot of women, and he instinctively knows that women love a clean place. If you were impressed by it, chances are you’re not the only one who is.
(There are many more signs, but I can't give you ALL of the secrets!)

Not to discriminate, but some of you ladies not only aspire to be the side chick, you go through life to be the ULTIMATE side chick (and I'm not mad at you!)  For you women that fit this category, I have some suggestions (did you really think I wouldn't!)
Give him space. Don’t always be the first one to text him or seek him out when you haven't heard from him in a few days. Give him some breathing room. He already has a full-time main chick, and YOU are a part-timer.  A seasonal worker.  A temp.
Don’t let him get bored. When he eventually texts you, keep the conversation interesting and intriguing at the same time.  A side chick's main responsibility is to keep things fun and exciting for her mate.
Refrain from having “The Talk”.  Having the "Where is this going?" talk will surely push him away. You have to know your lane. YOU are his side chick.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. For most of you, this "relationship" isn’t going anywhere other than the bedroom/hotel/backseat of a car, so starting a serious conversation is overwhelming for him and is definitely frowned upon. This will most definitely lead you to a "time out".
Do not argue with him EVER. There should never be a reason to get into a disagreement with him. That is the MAIN chick's responsibility.  A side chick should always be cool and should never be one who stresses him out. You are his vacation, his time off, and his break from problems with the main chick.  Starting arguments will only have you easily replaced (refer to my aforementioned comment about EVERYONE being replaceable!)
Don’t ask any "red flag" questions. This should be a no brainer. You can’t ask "Where were you?" "Why didn’t you call me?" "Why are you always so busy?" "Why don’t you ever see me?" "Who were you on the phone with?" Etc. Etc. KNOW YOUR LANE! These are not side chick questions.
Do not bother trying to be a part of holidays or birthdays. If he cares enough about you, he MIGHT celebrate these events with you the day after or before, but for the most part don’t expect anything like a gift or any type of emotional acknowledgment. These days are saved and reserved for the main chicks, and it may be safe to text him to say Happy Blah Blah Blah, but a phone call should NEVER be made.  By the way - Avoid Valentine's Day completely.  Don’t even send a text!
Don’t ever call him first.  EVER! Text messages should be your only form of contact unless he decides he want to call you. You do not have phone privileges and at any given time he might be with his main chick so utilize your texting capabilities on your cell phone whenever necessary.
Let him think he is the only one. You don’t want him to think you get down like this, even if you do. You're already a side chick; you don’t want him to think you’re a big ol' skeezer too!
Don’t EVER, EVER, EVER (times 5) stalk him. It’s never a good idea to stalk a person. There are helplines for this.  Don’t open a fake Facebook account and request him as a friend (this goes for Twitter as well). This will not lead to anything good. The less you know the better.  Looking at pictures of the “happy couple” or reading about his amazing weekend with her will only hurt your feelings in the long run… and feelings like these are not allowed.
Don’t research the main chick. Looking her up on social websites is not necessary and offers no immediate or long term benefit.  Why would you want to associate a face or name in the first place? Her name is “Main” and her face looks like this: “?”  Enough said.

Public Service Disclaimer: I know full well I am going to piss off a lot of the fellas with this blog, but SO EFFIN WHAT?!  Most of y'all aren't going to take the time to read this anyway... so who the F**k cares - right?!  And ladies - I just provided you with a wealth of information.  Use it as you want... just spell my name right!

David L. is the award-winning author & publisher of 4 novels: Over Your Dead Body, My Life Is A Movie, Chalk Outline Confessions: The Remix & Represent.  All are available for purchase on his official author website at: www.totalpackagepublications.com, via E-book (Kindle & Nook) and select bookstores everywhere.  Email David L. at: contacttpp@totalpackagepublications.com.  Follow David L. on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/almightydavidl; and on Facebook at: www.facebook.com/theauthordavidl.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Can I Hit It In The Morning?! Pt. V: Blame It On The Alcohol?

DAVID L. PRESENTS:
CAN I HIT IT IN THE MORNING?! VOL. V:
BLAME IT ON THE ALCOHOL?

Column Synopsis: A random and unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today – as seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L. A column not to be duplicated… but to be emulated. Because after all, groundbreaking material does not come around every day. A comprehensive “no holds barred” opinion on current social events of utmost importance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints, tips and breakthrough ideas into either getting through life – and/or surviving it! In conclusion – a breakthrough column to for the ages… none before me. None after my departure. ‘Nuff said.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

CAN I HIT IT IN THE MORNING?! PT. IV: WHAT TRULY DEFINES CHEATING? INQUIRING MINDS WANNA KNOW...

DAVID L. PRESENTS:
CAN I HIT IT IN THE MORNING?! VOL. IV:
WHAT TRULY DEFINES CHEATING? INQUIRING MINDS WANNA KNOW…

Column Synopsis: A random & unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today – as seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L. A column not to be duplicated… but to be emulated. Because after all, groundbreaking material does not come around every day. A comprehensive “no holds barred” opinion on current social events of utmost importance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints, tips and breakthrough ideas into either getting through life – and/or surviving it! In conclusion – a breakthrough column to for the ages… none before me. None after my departure. ‘Nuff said.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Can I Hit It In The Morning?! Vol. III

DAVID L. PRESENTS…

CAN I HIT IT IN THE MORNING?! VOL. III

Ladies: Does SIZE Really Matter In The Bedroom?

Column Synopsis: A random and unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today – as seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L. A column not to be duplicated… but to be emulated. Because after all, groundbreaking material does not come around every day. A comprehensive “no holds barred” opinion on current social events of utmost importance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints, tips and breakthrough ideas into either getting through life – and/or surviving it! In conclusion – a breakthrough column to for the ages… none before me. None after my departure. ‘Nuff said.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Can I Hit It In The Morning?! Vol. II

DAVID L. PRESENTS…

Blog Synopsis: A random and and unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today –as seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L. A blog not to be duplicated… but to be emulated. Because after all, groundbreaking material does not come around every day. NO structured thought scheme – just some occasional and unbiased HATE towards those that deserve it! One-on-one interviews to include abstract, unconventional questions with individuals of relevance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints, tips and breakthrough marketing ideas into either getting into the industry of their choice – and/or surviving it! In conclusion – a breakthrough column for the ages… none before me. None after my departure. ‘Nuff said.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Can I Hit It In The Morning?!

DAVID L. PRESENTS…

CAN I HIT IT IN THE MORNING?!

Before we proceed any further, I’m sure you like the millions of others reading this article (yeah I said it – MILLIONS!) are wondering: why did David L. name this particular article “Can I Hit It In The Morning?!” And more importantly – what exactly is “IT?!” Unlike my cover story with Zab Judah from Urban Grapevine’s classic last issue, I decided to venture off in a different direction and give everyone my perspective on what it takes to earn another “shot” at “IT!” For anyone still living in the 19th century, “IT” refers to whether a man is deemed worthy of a second date and/or “booty call” and for all you females, it refers to whether or not you are deemed acceptable in your potential mate’s eyes on getting that much-desired return phone call. For added measure and to convey validity into my inconsequential rhetoric, I am including 2 case scenarios (1 male & 1 female) to illustrate whether or not the below individuals can indeed hit “IT” again in the future. My below case scenarios have been randomly selected by two Facebook individuals (one male, one female to convey unbiased fairness) who left me inbox messages on why they were unable to “HIT IT” again from a potential mate. It’s about to get interesting to say the least. Read on…

Monday, October 8, 2012

DJ Gatsby Bookclub Interview

Check out my latest interview... and all comments are encouraged afterwards... http://djgatsbybookclub.wordpress.com/2012/10/08/djgbc-interview-author-david-l-represent/